a little different subject

Since most, if not all my readers here are older than I am: what's the quickest (or best, I suppose) way to "get over" somebody?

It's true I've never dated. But I had a very close friendship this past school year that has dissipated into what feels like next to nothing. We talked about dating, but this particular person wasn't a Christian. My family liked him, I was his best friend, so on and so forth. The attraction was persistent, and when I (in his mind) turned him down twice, he was a little bitter and angry at me and then moved on. At the beginning of summer, started dating someone in fact.

I? Brooded over this, hung out with this friend exactly once all summer (a bit easier him living in a different city), and as of a couple weeks ago no longer cared. No longer cared that I wasn't in this special position as a friend of his anymore, no longer jealously curious about this new girl, nothing. He was a backseat to everyone and everything else that was happening.

We were going to hang out tonight, and the night previous, wouldn't you know, I had a very strange dream that involved us actually getting together, etc etc, all very realistic. I woke up and like *that*, the serenity about the whole situation was gone. I was woebegone, even regretting my decision, all conflicted about the idea of him being with some other girl... not wanting to see him.

I still went tonight. Most of the time I tried to ignore this side of it and just be present in the situation. But that's notoriously difficult for me to do. In a social situation where I'm uncomfortable, I'm thinking about fifteen different things: how my voice sounds, how I'm supposed to respond, my body language and what message that's giving off. (It sucks being shy!)

We actually spent most of our time in a group, watched a movie, and he gave me a much-appreciated ride back to my car. Now, by this particular parking lot is where all our romantic-themed, awkward conversations have transpired, and I knew I could still tell him this, and he'd be really sympathetic and understanding: that I COULDN'T go to some back-to-school party he and his roommate are hosting, because I'd have to meet his girlfriend and see them together. But I thought about it quickly, and in my mind decided to play the martyr: he never asked to know how I was feeling about everything when we've only seen each other twice in months and months. "Martyr" that I am, I just didn't want to bother him with it. Said a quick goodbye, and walked - very quickly - back to my car.

Maybe what I miss most is the feeling he gave me when we used to do things together, something simple like eating together in the cafeteria: I felt special. And pretty. Wanted, I guess you could say. I felt funny and like myself. I can't say that even many of my friends make me feel that way (and one that does recently moved to Tennessee!).

It just kind of sucks right now. I'm trying to believe that all this datelessness means something, is worth something; that I want to be honest with other people and with God and not 'take advantage' of someone I see no potential of a long-term relationship with. But it is a lonely road.

new home

Well, I've been in this house about two days now... today had my first day of job training in the English Dept.'s copy center. It's all a little different. Instead of carpeted stairs I'm used to taking two at a time, these wooden ones squeak and squawl like living animals. My room is a decent size, but the adjoining half-bathroom features a leaky toilet and a non-working "cold" spigot. This is, after all, one of the 10th or 11th oldest houses in Lincoln!

I'm getting used to the idea of making most of the meals I consume - although when attempting to make scrambled eggs on the gas stove this morning, I set off the fire alarm :( Mom, I was just trying to be like Julia Child and put butter in the skillet first! I didn't have it turned up very high and still the pan filled up with smoke. Thus they tasted of butter and burnt egg. Good thing the toast with strawberry jam came out just fine! (And that they had free sandwiches in the Eng. dept... speaking of that...)

The 'monster' copier was broken when I walked in. Something about the toner being surly. But that was worked out. Things were ok. The job seems a little tedious, other than the possibility of annoyed professors showing up complaining about your copying or scanning ability. I'll go in for training again tomorrow and then again times after that if I feel I need it.

Everything is a little nerve-wracking, to be honest... But I feel like this will be a good arrangement. I've already gone to one little social thing last night, visiting a house that some guys from the Christian group live in with two of my roommates. I feel like living here, I have a better chance of being plugged into a world larger than my own, i.e. filled with people. Right now I'm typing in the living room listening to my friend and her significant other trying to work out when and how they'll spend time together. He's studying community planning and spent upwards of five minutes trying to explain to me what he thinks sustainability means.

So far, so good. I hope things go as well for Julie, who I believe is moving in towards the end of this week or weekend. Pictures at some point.

abstract attempts

Frustrated after trying to photograph some roses, I began purposefully moving the camera as I took a picture. I find the results - interesting, maybe good. This is how the better ones came out. I think the last one is my favorite. What do you think? EDIT** I see now that trying to see them closeup is rather impossible as the file size is still too big. Whoops. It's just too much work to make them smaller! Ah well, live and learn.

photos from the day

It was a really good evening. About 8-9 other people performed, including a dance number. I found myself musing on the fact that none of this would have happened - including the composing of the song and dance - if Connie hadn't had the idea for this night and went through the work to set it up.

She told me people gave her great compliments about me; I reminded them of this or that singer and (most notably to me) that I should make a CD. It's always kind of been a quiet hope of mine, but thus far I've been content just singing along with CDs in my room. So it was wonderful to hear that encouragement.

singing from the psalms

All of you are invited to Berean this Saturday at 8:15. I'll be singing three songs as part of a songs-inspired-by-the-Psalms night in the coffeehouse.

It'll have been a while since I sang a solo with an audience. The lady who wrote the songs, Connie, and I played two songs a couple months ago for video cameras, for a different art project. She has written so much... When she was first asking me to help her select a Psalms song, she had an entire box crammed with folders and drafts and inspirations. She has two bookshelves filled with even more music. She 'hears' music in her head; for her it's not difficult to take a few snatches of Scripture, set it to music plus whatever else God gives her, and make a song.

Today we finalized the songs to be sung, and I finally feel like I'm getting comfortable with her. I felt like another woman friend, not just the young kid from the now-expired songwriters' group, which is a weird feeling.

I have this thing with perfection.... so I'm a bit nervous. But the coffeehouse atmosphere isn't an intimidating one, and so much of the time I think that songs are about the singer, and not the song. Or in this case, the One who inspired the scriptural psalms. Some of Connie's lyrics are so strong and trusting in the Lord that I feel that I haven't experienced all of it... that I'm still so broken and doubting. But I can feel the truth of the words when I sing, even when I haven't experienced exactly what the line is saying about God. Doubt is all too common. But I have been blessed, and I want to give that back - in a song, in a thought, in anything my hands can make.